Blossoming

It has been a painful and long couple of weeks. I truly believed I would be in Japan by now, but I am not. In dealing with frustration, anxiety and anger it feels like I will never get there. It feels like I really have been wasting my time and it might be time to give up.

Luckily, the way I feel does not dictate any truth about what is actually happening. There is always something going on in the Spirit that I cannot see, and I should not have to see anything to be able to trust God with all of my walking. My understanding of his character should transcend circumstance.

This is something he is teaching me. My love for him, along with my revelation of his love for me, has to be deeper than any ministry opportunity. If I love the promises more than I love the King himself, I'm crippled.

I think to myself, I'm not doing this anymore: It's too risky, and some would look at everything that has happened and tell me that it is obvious that this is not what God wants. But from what little of God I have seen, and what little I do understand, I can look at everything that has happened and see that it is obvious that he is still walking me through all of this and getting me to Japan.

And, really, where would I go if not into the Lord's unfailing love for me? He has captivated my heart and ruined me for ordinary life. Satan has planned these things to drive us apart, but the Lord has planned on bringing us closer together than before. What the enemy intented to bring harm, God intended it all for good.

I will ultimately rejoice in my own death for the sake of Christ's life to be present in my suffering. I will not know everything that is going to happen all the time, but I will run toward the finish line. All of this has shown me how much I still care what people think of me. I still feel like there is a reputation I have to uphold of success and potential. Anyway, all of this is to say that I actually have no idea what's going to happen. I am re-applying for a Certificate of Eligability, and learning how to raise up support. But it's hard to say how long it will take. It could go quite quickly, and I could be in Japan in a matter of weeks. But it could also take months. This makes planning difficult. The Lord will take me through the details, and draw me close in the process.

But I do know that he wants to make me fearless, and the enemy will not win. God will accomplish what he set out to do in me as much as through me. All of his ideas are better than mine, and he is good.